I Want Candy

Well, it's Valentine's Day. So, after reading a card from my mother and eating a Valentine's Reese's that looked more like a camel toe than a heart, I thought I'd open up the ol' V-Day Vault.

When I was a freshman in high school, I started "going out" with a boy named Tim. Well, Tim was best pals with my friend's boyfriend, so she and I decided it would be fun to make Valentine's Day dinner for the boys and then make out in her basement. With our boyfriends, not each other.

Anyway, we spent hours heating up some Ragu and boiling noodles, and then wrapped gifts for the loves of our current lives. At that point in time, Tim and I had only been seeing each other for a week or two. Since it was a new relationship, my first really, I decided to get him a teddy bear and a silver necklace. I don't even know why I thought that a necklace was appropriate, let alone one made of silver balls and hemp.

So I wrapped up my gifts and the boys arrived for the big night. While her parents watched TV, the four of us quietly sat around the dining room table in the next room. I was so nervous about the fact that I was on a date with a boy that I lost my appetite. I just picked through my spaghetti, eyes narrowed like I was discovering plutonium at the bottom of my plate.

As dinner commenced, we decided to exchange gifts. Well the boys each pulled out boxes and put them on the table, and our eyes lit up with delight. My friend had been dating her boyfriend for about 5 months, so you know they were like totally serious and said they loved each other and he was thinking about moving his stuff into her locker and whatever. She opened her present to find a pretty heart-shaped silver necklace. This is it! I thought. My first boyfriend and now my first piece of jewelry from a boyfriend!

Slowly, I pulled the red ribbon off the little pink package, trying to moderately conceal my excitement. I peeled off the tape along the crease to pretend that I unwrapped gifts like a mature adult, and quietly unfolded the paper. Inside was a white cardboard box. Not typical jewelry store packaging.

I looked up at Tim and smiled. You sly devil, I see what you're trying to do. You want me to think this isn't a heart-shaped necklace that I can wear to school on Monday so every girl knows I have a boyfriend.

Anxiously I opened the box, lifted a piece of green tissue and then I saw it. A bag of Jelly Bellies.

Wait...what? Where was the necklace? Where was the ring? I can't wear a plastic bag full of tiny colorful beans! I can't bring it to Algebra Monday morning to show everyone that I'm involved with someone. And now my friend and her boyfriend were laughing, because while they were getting necklaces and watches, I was getting cavities.

I smiled at Tim, but I probably looked more like I'd just smelled a dirty diaper than I was grateful for the candy. He smiled back and said something about his mom buying them for him. Oh great, he didn't even shop himself. So while he probably remembered my gift as he was running out the door and his mom tossed him a gift a co-worker gave her, I was at the mall buying him expensive, meaningful hemp jewelry.

And what was worse, he had to now open my awesome gift while I sat in front of jelly beans.

So I sat there, totally shafted, as he pushed pieces of purple tissue paper aside and reached in the gift bag to pull out the fuzzy brown bear. He smiled and thanked me. And seemed genuinely pleased with the gift. I stubbornly muttered there was more. Moron. So he reached back in to discover his first and only piece of jewelry. He thanked me but seemed really uncomfortable. But instead of feeling awkward I just hopped up and helped him put it on.

A few weeks later, we were in gym and I asked Tim why he wasn't wearing my necklace. He said he'd lost it and tried to change the subject. But his friends were all snickering and it finally came out that Tim actually had taste and hated it. Thus began my first boyfriend fight.

Ahhhh, young love.

Anyway, speaking of gifts, let's bring things back to the present. Heyohhhh. While I've been talking to a few gentleman as of late, there's no one in town I wanted to spend the most romantic holiday with.

My V-Day plans include hitting the gym, heating up some Mexican meatball soup my dear mother made and then cleaning out my closet. And probably exchanging a flirtatious email or two with the cute young pilot I've been chatting with. (Yes, another pilot.)

What about you?