Me So Corny

I debated over how to write about this next date, because I was torn over this guy's personality. Is it possible to want to hug and slap a person at the same time?

I'd been talking to Tiny Tim casually for a few weeks, but I never left any conversation dying to hear back from him. I think the fact that he replied immediately anytime I'd get back to him had something to do with it. I don't like games, but come on dude, pretend like you have a life for at least a few hours before responding.

Anyway, he's a 27-year-old who grew up in the city and works in HR. His pictures seemed cute and he was always very cordial. But he just seemed so painfully corny. Like when he'd say things like "Sorry I didn't get back to you last night. I was being a flakey flake." Barfy barf.

However, when he asked me out for dinner last week, I decided that instead of waiting around for butthead Marky Mark to call, I'd go out with a new guy. So we agreed to meet for sushi on a Friday evening. As I was getting ready, he texted me with, "TIM HUNGRY!!!" Oh my gosh, why am I still going out with this guy?? He was already en route, so I knew I couldn't cancel.

I wore a black sundress and a pair of my highest wedges. His profile said he was 5'10" so, being 5'4", I assumed there shouldn't be an issue with height.

Well when I walked into the restaurant, I was pleasantly surprised at how cute he was. Like way way cuter than his photos suggested. Then he stood up from his bar stool and slowly looked up at me and said, "You're taller than I imagined you'd be."

5'10", huh pal? Someone got a little creative with their profile stats.

Despite inadvertently catching him in a little lie, Tiny Tim and I had a really nice dinner. He was very easy to talk to, and I kept looking at him and thinking, "You're cuuuuute." After dinner we got some gelato and walked around the neighborhood. 25 minutes later, he asked if we could go somewhere to sit down. "Like your apartment or something," was his suggestion. Oh I'm sure you'd like to go sit in my apartment.

If I had a roommate, and a living room, I might be more open to letting a guy sit in my apartment on date one. But I live alone in a studio apartment. So it's like having a boy up in your room in high school. It's just not allowed. Although if I'd met a guy on the Internet when I was in high school he probably would've ended up being some creepy 45-year-old who drove his wife's rusty Dodge Caravan to my house with a box of condoms and a 6-pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade. Yeah I've seen To Catch a Predator.

Anyway, we ended up just sitting by a fountain in this cute park that had lots of people around. He decided to pull a quarter out of his pocket to "make a wish" and, maybe I'm heartless, but that's just so dumb. It's sooo dumb! Then a horse-drawn carriage went by, and we got a nice whiff of horse poop, and he goes, "Oh, good there's a horse going by." Then, as if one indigestion innuendo wasn't enough, Tiny Tim just had to really drive the point home by saying, "I wondered to myself, 'Is that me? Is the sushi already running through me?'" Oh gross. Thanks. Now I have to sit here thinking about your bowels.

At this point I was getting tired, and didn't need to wonder about the spicy tuna plowing through his intestines, so I said I was ready to head home. He walked me to my door and asked if he'd get to see me again. I said sure (but really wasn't so sure) and looked down to get my keys out of my bag. When I looked up again, I was faced with a pair of lips that reached me before I could react. He pulled away and now I just wanted to get inside, but I saw him coming back for more. INCOMING! This guy is BOLD. He was already sending out the second wave of troops. This time my defenses were at the ready, and I casually turned to the right so he got my cheek.

Gentlemen. Don't just bombard a girl with your lips. Even if you think you're finer than Jude Law was in The Talented Mr. Ripley (you aren't), do not go in for the kill without giving her some sort of warning.

So I'm left in a bind. I mean he's fun to look at, and has a great smile. But if I write about him any longer today my eyes are going to roll right out of their sockets. I know he's interested, so I'll see what happens in the next few days.

If he wants a second date, Tiny Tim needs to do something to keep me interested.

I can't help that I have a...short attention span.