Do Not Disturb

So there's this guy I've been chatting with who initially seemed very witty and nice. I soon realized he's just way too over the top and is always trying really hard to be "on". EVERY text, EVERY email, EVERY call with him was like listening to a really bad comedian make the most predictable jokes. Like watching Bob Saget narrate an episode of America's Funniest Home Videos.

I decided since we'd only talked on the phone once that we weren't super involved, so I implemented the straight fade. Only some people just don't get it. When you call and text a girl multiple times, and even your phone's giving you the eyebrow raise, she's never replying to you. In fact, she's probably rolling her eyes hoping you go listen to I Saw the Sign on repeat.

Well Ray Romano's Walkman must be out of batteries, because after repeatedly down-clicking on him for a few days, I got a text today that says: "You should've had a disclaimer on your profile that said 'I'm really horrible at returning phone calls' :)"

See the sign Romano....see the sign.

The Final Countdown

I opened my inbox this morning to find this gem from a pale, chubby guy wearing a cowboy hat. I don't even know where to begin, so I just pasted the entire thing below:

33 reasons to check me out

33. I Watch U TUBE PARODYS OF info merical people

32 Supporter of Jeff DumHammmmmmm and in the world of peanut find "him funny as H."

31. 6 feet tall with brown hair and green eyes and abs of steel 

30. Great Oral Skills

29. I can cook better than those infomercial people

28. I think Vince from Sham wow is Crazy as hell.  

27. Charming Intelligent and Funny

26. Works with charity Organizations i.e. Unmet Needs and Wounded Warrior.

25. I get along well with puppies, kittens, and birds

24. I enjoy walks on the beach

23. Watch me play volleyball and Baseball

26. Employed and I love my Job

25. I can dance

24. I enjoy dive bars

23. Cubs Fan

22. Playful

21. I'm legal age for anything

20. I enjoy trying new things

19. I enjoy exploring the city of Chicago

18. I stand in front of the bean and single women it’s not really a bean loll jk.

17. I enjoying Sailing on my boat

16. At Times I wish I was 16 again

15. Nice sense of Humor

14. I enjoy cuddling

13. Kisses are given to you anytime you want

12. I enjoy having my butt grabbed in public

11. Horses and Dogs are my pets

10. I like going to the zoo and watching the animals play

09. Sitting and watching people at star bucks can be fun

08. I enjoy bubble baths

07. I'm willing to clean your house for a small fee loll

06. I enjoy Picnic Basket Lunches

05. Marine

04. Funny

03. I enjoy playing pool

02. Come see the turtle races with me

01. Willing to sit through chick flicks if you are willing to sit though horror movies.
 
And these 33 reasons, ladies and germs, sum up the one giant reason he's still single.
 
Next!

Head Shakers

"i wish i could see you. I wonder if you'll complete me. but i can only write you this letter, hoping you won't delete me."

Head Shakers

Some of the week's lamest lines...

"Lets go to mars...and have a milk shake babe"

"Dinner...drinks...clothing optional lol"

"Average Jo looking for his average ho :)"

Head Shakers

Some of the creepier messages I've received, in their unedited glory.

"Yo Whats up cutie come shine my shoes" 

"How's it going Hun? I'm at work getting paid clean guns so it could be worse."

"So, I know you're about to reply to the guy below me in your inbox. But haven't you heard? He has REALLY bad breath. I'm here to stop you from making a huge mistake! Coffee?"