Free Bird

Saturday afternoon my mother called to tell me to have fun that night on my third date with Darcy, and to “watch the kissing.” I immediately groaned and said that I’m a classy lady to which she replied, “Well classy people kiss too.” Ooookay.

So, in honor of my dear mother, this is how the date went: He came over, we played Boggle, and then *****************************************************.

Just kidding.

Anyway, Mister Darcy said he’d be over around 8 p.m. So you can imagine my distress when I was half-dressed, trying to choose a top in my closet at 7:57 p.m., there was a knock at the door. I straightened up and panicked. Crap, I’m not ready!

I scurried over to the door and looked through the peephole to see him staring at the door. I awkwardly yelled through the door, “Just a second I’m getting dressed!” and heard him laugh as I dashed back to my closet. I pulled a black sleeveless number on and ran to the bathroom to apply some bronzer. But the combination of being surprised and a little nervous made my hand shaky, causing me to look like Edward Scissorhands at the MAC counter.

I gave myself the once-over and then opened the door and said, “Sorry I was getting dressed.” And I swear he mumbled something like, “You shouldn’t have bothered." I was still a little flustered so I just ignored it and welcomed him in.

He set a shopping bag on the kitchen counter and pulled out some red wine, Boggle and his Official Scrabble Dictionary (NERD ALERT). I was doing most of the talking while I got us each a glass of wine, and it made me feel uncomfortable. He was just watching me pour the wine and  half smiling, so something was entertaining to him, but I couldn't tell you what because he doesn't VERBALIZE ANYTHING.

He did get better as the night went on, and he can be quite funny, but I just don't know. It's kind of like having a dog. You talk to it and they look like they understand you and sometimes they wag their tail or raise their ears, but you don't really take much from the conversation.

So we played a few games of Bananagrams (creamed me) and then a few of Boggle (creamed him). Overall the evening was extremely PG and he left around 11:30 (p.m.). It was a good time had by all. I mean, sure the conversation was bleak, mainly filled with overplayed sh*t-talking one liners about not cheating and how bad the other was going to lose. Yawn.

Since then, we’ve chatted a few times. And I was open to possibly hanging out again. But now I have to dump him.

You see kids, after hanging out three times, Mister Darcy decided to lay his cards on the table last night via Gchat. And he basically said it’d be great if we hung out for the next few months while he’s in America and be booty buddies. Oh and could we meet up at my flat on Sunday for an hour or two before he heads to the Bears' game? Um, gross.

I will say this: we all knew he was leaving eventually and he was at least honest with what he was looking for. And I’m sure there are plenty of women in the city who would be down for a no-strings-attached fling (if that’s you, email me. I’ll set you up.) It's not a bad thing if that's what you want. It's just not my bag, baby.

Anyway, I’m not sad about it, which says a lot. I am, however, nervous about telling him because I dread confrontation. Plus, he pulled the OLDEST trick in the book: He “forgot” Boggle and his dictionary at my place. You guys, we were sitting right in front of my coffee table right before he left. How dumb does he think I am that he just wooshed out the door without thinking about the large red box in front of his face?

So I hate confrontation and prefer the men I'm no longer interested in just drop off like needles on a thirsty Christmas tree, however I know they have feelings too. Plus I have his game and dictionary. So I think I'll go the ol' dial-a-dump route. Quick ring on the telly. I mean it's not like we dated for that long, and he did proposition me via Gchat. So it's okay if I just tell him over the phone that we’re not singing the same tune and I can mail him the game, right?

I need some input. Please give me your two cents.

Better make that a sixpence.