The Pilot Episode

So the time comes for my date with Marky Mark. Up to this point, we've chatted on the phone a few times,  and he's slowly opened up. He seemed a little wet behind the ears. If we were in second grade, he'd be the kid at the sleepover who had to go in the other room at bedtime and have his mom put his diaper on because he still wets the bed. Which is so cool because no one notices someone walking in a diaper. Or hears the swishing of the plastic paper against your chubby thighs as you slowly sashay back into the slumber party in your purple Care Bears nightie.

After deciding that blue shorts and a billowy white tank top would be the cutest and most appropriate bike-date apparel, our young pilot called me to say he was in my lobby and would it be ok if he came up to my place for a minute? I asked why, because at this point he could be the guy who screams "bullshit motherf*ckers!" at 3 a.m. in the alley below my apartment, or the Pope and I wouldn't know the difference because I've never seen him. Well in person. He says he doesn't want to tell me why he wants to come up.

So I'm naive and like to piss off my protective brothers by ignoring their tsking in my head and say SURE! Come on up! But don't let the doorman see your meat cleaver and body bag! He comes to my door, and I feel obligated to let him step into the entryway as he hands me a box of......generic brand Popsicles! Apparently he remembered me saying I love purple Popsicles so he brought some. I thanked him for bringing me off-brand frozen treats and we headed off into the night.

The bike ride was a blast. It was a great way to start a first date, because if there's a lull in the conversation you can just pretend like you think someone needs to pass and pull ahead of your date. And if you're nervous you can just speed up and not let them catch up for a few minutes. They should do job interviews on bicycles.

Anyway, we'd gone about 9 miles when he suggested we stop and get ice cream. At this point I have no idea what's going on in his head, but can only assume he's enjoying my company because he's willing to stick around for a cone. So he gets Cookies and Cream and I get a lovely raspberry sorbet, and we walk for about 30 minutes. And I'm enjoying walking around with this cute guy who has a really nice smile.

Although he was kind of dressed like his mom had laid his outfit out before he came out. I mean cargo shorts, a Polo t-shirt and white tennis shoes are bike-appropriate I guess, but he was wearing......a visor. A VISOR. I detest visors. And if you wear one, well throw it out. The last time visors were cool was in 8th grade when they made a short resurgence when Adidas came out with those blue ones with the white logo. And his shoes and socks were stark white.

So yeah, me and the visored one finished our dessert and went back to our bikes. As I put some lip gloss on that has mint in it, he offers me a sip of his water bottle, so I take one. And then he takes one and goes, "Did you put your mouth on this?" Well I nodded and realized my lip stuff makes your lips tingle, so I apologized and explained and he goes, "Oh I don't mind if you put your lips on it, it was just tingling." Umm not sure if he was annoyed or trying to be sexy so I just did a sort of snorting laugh thing. Awesome.

Well he rides me to my door, not like that pervs, and we're standing outside my building and he mumbles something but all I hear is "up" so I asked what he said, and he mumbles something again about "up" so now I'm thinking he's asking if I'm going to invite him up, so I go "What are you saying?" and so he pulls me in and goes, "They're BREAKING UP" and nods toward the couple smoking behind me. So that was cool and worth pointing out.

Anyway then he's just looking at me weird, and asks for the third time when my bedtime is that night, and I just say it's close and I should get to bed. I thank him for the evening and say I had a great time, to which he agrees but just keeps looking at me, so I sort of widen my eyes and say, "Alright, see ya later."

I got into my apartment and wasn't sure I'd see Marky Mark again. Not that I would've minded; he was a gentleman and attractive and intelligent. Was he innocent or just uninterested? Does he always buy generic brand Popsicles or was I not worth the extra $1.25? Seriously who does something sweet (pun not intended) for someone but in the cheapest way?

I bet he gives carnations on Valentine's Day too.