He Likes Me, He Likes Me Not

First dates can be extremely confusing. And the second you get home, you begin reviewing a date with a fine-tooth comb, looking for every clue that he was, or wasn't, interested. Did I look fat in my shorts? Was my hair too flat? He offered me a lick of his ice cream cone, he can't be repelled by me right?

Google “signs he likes you on a first date” and it’ll provide a bevy of articles people have written to try and help a single gal gage how well a first encounter with a new man went.

Said articles informed me that if he opens doors for me, pays, and makes eye contact that he’s probably into you. Well those just seem like the obvious things any chivalrous guy would do on a date, not just if he’s liking what you’re selling. Just because he opens my door doesn’t mean he’s naming our children in his head.

What I found far more interesting were the Google ads on the left of the article that promised to show me how to stop an affair, help improve communication with my boyfriend and tell me what attracts men. Go on...

Anyway, I think the list differs for each guy. Some guys are shyer than others. Some guys have more experience. And if he’s too smooth, then you probably don’t want him hanging around you because the brotha’s got skillz. Like can-undo-a-bra-with-one-hand-while-cracking-a-beer-and-talking-on-the-phone skillz.

I really need to get a dating Sherpa. He can silently follow me around on all of my dates, and at the end of each outing, I’d just look back at him and he’d give me a slow nod if things went well. Or run his finger over his throat to let me know I was crashing and burning.

It’s emotionally taxing to leave a first date not knowing what he’s thinking. Unless of course you didn’t like him, and in that case you’ve forgotten about him by the time you get into the elevator in your apartment building and remember you have popsicles in your freezer, and oh my gosh I hope I have purples ones left. The green ones just don’t do it for me anymore.

But what if you had a good time and are pretty sure he did too, but the torturous combination of mixed signals and your own insecurities have left you unsure about his interest?

It’s not your fault you’re super awkward with goodbyes and after he walked you to your door, you put your bike in front of your entire body, said you had a nice time, he agreed and then looked at you funny and you weren’t sure whether he wanted to kiss you, just wanted to get the hell away from you or farted, so you panicked, thanked him and ran inside faster than he could count to 5.

Do you wait for him to make first contact? Do you send a funny text a few days later? Check yourself into a sanitarium?