Of course since he was solo, he conveniently had to sit at our table. Luckily the only seat open was across from me. I had a nice friend fortress on either side of me. But I could have used a moat. And an invisibility cloak.
Anyway, he hung out for a bit and got to know my friends. He still had his beard. But all I could stare at was the large whitehead begging to be popped just below his bottom lip. I mean how could anyone leave the house with a pimple that size? If you have a massive puss-filled mound just chilling on your face, it is your moral and social obligation to pop that sucker. Sure, you don't have to look at it all day, but everyone else does.
He made conversation with everyone, and was polite. But he kept saying what he thought were witty lines and staring at me, smiling, like we had some amazing, deep connection and only I would get what he was saying. The only thing I got was increasingly more nauseous. My friend sitting next to him totally caught on to this creepy gesture, and my disgust, and was laughing her head off.
After an hour, he finally gets up to leave. He slowly walks around around the table, right up to my back, and I'm so terrified he's going to try and kiss me again. This time I'm on my guard so I only do a half-turn, making sure my left shoulder is blocking any advances the little bugger might make. He says, "I'm leaving," so I go, "Okay see ya!"
He laughs and says, "See ya? That's all I get?"
What do you expect? You want to make out with me in front of all of my friends in the middle of a bar? Dude even if I really liked you, I wouldn't partake in midday PDA with you. Especially with that monster on your face.
So I just laughed and said, "Yup! Bye!" Luckily he accepted my cold shoulder and walked out of the bar.
I thought that perhaps that was the end of our little escapade. You'd think I'd know by now. Because around 2 p.m. the next day he texted me to see how my Sunday was going.
When I replied with, "Fine," he followed up asking if I can cook. Oh gosh, here we go.
I knew where this was headed, and knew I'd have to just be honest with this guy. He clearly wasn't picking up on my attempts to fade him out. It was only fair to him. So after I said yes, he responded with, "I think you should make me dinner this week :-)"
Really Tiny T? That's your game? Telling a girl to make you dinner?
It was time to drop the bomb. So after writing and rewriting my little message a few times, I settled on sending him, "Haha. Hey I think you're a really nice guy, but I just want to be friends."
Even though I was across town from this guy, I felt like crawling under my bed, closing my eyes and plugging my ears. It's just so awkward blatantly telling someone who's interested in you, and trying desperately to be cute, to take a hike.
In keeping with my new Honesty theme, I told him that it was not because of the beard. He finally conceded, and said there were no hard feelings. I thanked him (no idea why I did, I just felt like saying thanks. Maybe I was thanking him for finally dropping it, or for the
Lessons I've learned from my time with this man:
1. Listen to my instincts! If I don't want to go out with a guy a second time, even if he corners me in my elevator holding flowers and a puppy, I won't accept.
2. The fade out is only applicable to certain guys. Like self-aware ones. Men who have their head up their ass need a much more direct denial.
And probably a slap in the face.
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